Fixating On Cincinnati

Having done a slap up job in Afghanistan and now on the verge of victory in Iraq, the bush administration has been looking for a new target to fixated it attentions on and notch up the fear factor. At first, many pundits saw Iran as the next logical target of the fear fixated administration, but now it can be told that the front runner in the fear fixation sweepstakes is Cincinnati. Yes the one in Ohio. Evil knows no geographical bound!.

A simple search of Wikipedia (the NSA and CIA gather most of their intelligence here) was all that it took to uncover this growing menance. Governed by a socialist nine member city council known as the "Gang of Nine" and lead by its Cult of the Personality Mayor, the City has infiltrated the US at every level through its underground railroads which have been dorment for over 150 years.

Its citizens live in fear terrorized by this evil regime. Is it really any wonder that Cincinnati was recencly named the top city for headaches and migranes. This is a city that openly wears its politics on its uniforms. How could we have missed the Cincinnati Reds and the loosely affiliated Cleveland Brown Shirts? On second thoughts maybe the whole state of Ohio should be our next priority.

Note: I have no actual proof that any of the above is true. I actually know some nice people from Ohio (but they could be sleepers cells). I am only saying that with a population of 350,000 and easy river access we could subdue this city in 18 months, 24 months tops. And don't forget the people of Cincinnati will greet us with open arms.

Dog Ate My Homework

Yesterday I pleaded with the mass media and the nation to give Vice President Cheney a break. Cheney's remarks in an interview with Fox News' Brit Hume last night have me regrettably rescinding that plea for national unity. As Cheney would say, "If I had to do it again I would still call for the moratorium on Cheney bashing".

This is where I draw the line; in his interview with Fox, Mr Cheney pulled the dog ate my homework excuse when asked why he did not report the shooting earlier and why the Vice Presdient's Office did not issue the press release. His reason, Cheney said was he had "no press person with him".

The second most powerful man in the world did however have with him a personal physician, the secret service, an ambulance, and the ability to secretly and securely communicate with Washington and anyone anywhere in the world.

Cheney's choice was to let Katherine Armstrong release the information because she was an experienced hunter, a former Texas wildlife offical- "an acknowledged expert in all of this". An expert in accidental shooting by a Vice Presidental?

Armstrong began calling the Corpus Christi Caller-Times at 9 a.m. and they finally returned her call at 12 noon. One would think that a message like "Call me regarding the Vice President accidentaly shooting a 78 year old man" would get a quicker response. But with no press person and limited means of communicating with the outside world it is easy to see what the Vice President was thinking!

I wish I was making this up!

Give Cheney A Break - A Modest Proposal - Updated

Won't someone please give Dick Cheney a break. It's been almost two hundred years since a Vice President has shot someone and the reporting protocol had been lost. Heck, there wasn't even a mass media the last time a shooting happened. And, if I am not mistaken, the Constitution is silent on what a Vice President should do in the case of an accidental shooting.

So that some of you can stop the blame game (you all know who you are) I offer this modest proposal, an SOP (Standard Operating Procedure), for accidental shootings by a Vice President. If you want we can even create a metric so that we can track the effectiveness of the SOP.

Here then is my VPASRP (Vice President Accidental Shooting Reporting Procedure);
If you are the Vice President of the United States Of America and you accidently shoot someone, immediately report the accident to the authorities, your boss, the American People, and Fox News. To avoid confusion this procedure would also apply to shootings that are not accidental.

Since it is likely (cross your fingers) that it could be another 200 years before another accidental shooting by a Vice President occurs, I would recommend that this procedure become an ammendment to the constitution. That way accidental shootings by Vice Presidents would be constitutional.