It's Canada

1-6-04

Genetic testing confirms that the cow diagnosed with the first U.S. case of mad cow disease was born in Canada, agriculture officials said Tuesday. I can now confirm that the recession that began during the waning years of the Clinton Presidency in late 2000 can now also be traced to Canada.

Top ranking White House officials confirmed today that they were also looking into several other instances where Canada seemed to be to blame or implicated in such wide ranging issues as the present recession, and to pollution in Huston Texas and the San Fernando Valley. Ex California Governor, Gray Davis, now says that he long suspected that Canada was responsible for the energy crisis, and in sign of bipartisanship Governor Schwarzenegger agreed that his budget director Donna Arduin has traced the California Budget Crisis to Canada.

A poll taken after the news of Canada’s complicity in many of nations woes became pulic showed that 63 percent of the public thought that we should invade Canada, or failing that annex Canada and reap the benefits of cheap prescription drugs. A spokesman for the pharmaceutical industry agreed that we should invade Canada, but said that Canadian drugs were harming millions of Canadians and that we should offer Canadians the right to buy safe drugs.

Meanwhile an ACLU spokesman said that as soon as Canada became the 51st state that they would move to protect all Canadians rights to have a single payer health insurance plan and the right to buy unsafe drugs.


Many experts agree that it might be years before all the complicity of our Northern neighbors is uncovered, but they worried that Canadians would never feel truly American given the unilateral action taken by the president. One expert who has studied the dynamics of our Northern neighbors worries that the French Canadians might stage a nation wide boycott of all things American. But the president today seemed to have squelched any hint of dissension by making all of Canada above the artic circle a free speech zone and promised to have all official documents printed in English and French. Mexican President Fox was said to livid and has threatened to pull out of NAFTA and recall all Mexican Nationals.